Three Years

No Evidence of Disease.

An important date on my timeline. Admittedly the fear of recurrence is always with me, although it has settled more into the background of my thoughts. Still, a time for reflection on what has shifted in my life over the past years.

Here I am, at Holden beach, listening to the wind, and enjoying a bit of sunshine while tropical storm Debby creates water on the road before us. I love the stormy weather, the power of the wind; Gene and I took Cassie wading through the ankle-deep water to peek at the ocean with its powerful waves. Beautiful. Now we are safely ensconced back in the rental house, listening to the wind in the palm trees, and viewing the sun-dappled scenery.

Gene and Jon are both in the kitchen creating their specialties. Jon is preparing pizza dough for later in the week, and Gene- his signature gumbo. Can’t wait. What a lucky woman I am to have this time with two of the most important men in my life. Later this week Sarah and Justin will join us and the dynamic will shift.

While I am here, I reflect on the fact that I am now three years since my active treatments ended, two years since I decided to discontinue Verzenio, one year since my focus shifted from Nia to Get Real and Heel classes and yoga, primarily so I could have face to face contact with peers.

I have just finished rereading my previous posts and am struck by how “in the moment” I was throughout each treatment phase. Nia truly helped me be present to what was happening and gain insight into my feelings and each choice I made. Accepting each treatment phase was indeed a choice. I am more grateful to Debbie Rosas and the Nia Technique than I can adequately express.

Over the past three years, having worked at it, I have noticed my strength returning, my balance, and my awareness of my center of gravity increasing. I am so grateful for my now body and all it can do. While at a slower pace, Gene and I walk Cassie nightly around Harkness Circle. I can attain yoga poses I never thought I would achieve. So, my physical realm is intact.

Emotionally, I find myself continuing to have a niggling fear of recurrence. I worry a bit, yet I do my best to recognize that is normal, and unlikely to come to be. And, if it does, it will be at some time in the future; I will deal with it then. So, I do my best to stay in the moment and let that fear wash over and away.

Mentally, my memory lags. Difficulty in remembering and sensing musical cues, and movement patterns keeps me from enjoying Nia movement so while I am physically stronger I do not enjoy the dance as I did before.

Spiritually, I am ever grateful for my now health. I am grateful for my three years of improvement and the ability to center on myself, Gene, and my mother for her last years. That I was able to be with her during her end of life was an experience I will never forget.

So, three years out, I sense a shift coming.